The hardest transition from the classroom to the main office isn’t what you think.
In my years in the classroom, it never occurred to me to question a request from my boss. “Sure, no problem…” was my refrain.
Teachers work in silos and we don’t often get to see the behaviors of our most challenging colleagues; we only hear their narrative as they share how terribly they were treated. I tried to stay away from this group in the corner of the faculty lounge because I didn’t receive the same harsh treatment they were describing, and I feared being called out as a favorite. It never occurred to me that they were the problem, exasperating and complaining at every turn.
My first weeks as a school leader were the end of my innocence–I couldn’t believe the things some teachers did! One teacher left her classroom unsupervised for 20 minutes to make a personal phone call. When I highlighted the legal duty of care and negligence, she stared me down and said, “I’ve been teaching longer than you’ve been alive….”
The masters of victim mindset are difficult to manage. You know who they are. They sit in the loser support group in the lounge recruiting others. As toxic as they are, their real danger is how they skillfully flip blame back on you, leaving you wondering how their problem became yours.
I can think of countless stories of victim mindset. I’ll highlight one, since they all exhibit the patterns of behavior. Then I’ll share how to manage these, which may not be the way you think….
Years ago, a teacher marched a student over to the classroom phone to call her parents to let them know she forgot her homework. The parent called me, irate that the teacher had done this in front of the entire class. As difficult as this parent was, it was indefensible. I notified the teacher of this parent’s displeasure and she agreed to call the parent on her way home that afternoon.
The next morning, the parent called me again, even more angry because the teacher never called. I notified the teacher in lieu of her duty for the next period, to call. She ignored my directive and immediately called from the classroom. Contemptuous in her tone, the parent pushed back with profanities.
Later I was in a meeting with a colleague and was summoned to the hall where this teacher was being transported by ambulance, having experienced a panic attack. I felt terrible, and told her, “You’re in good hands, they’ll take care of you.”
I’ll never forget her reply: “You did this to me.”
Fortunately, there were faculty in the building who had come to know me. They remember the human in you and how you treat others. They look at someone like the victim and say something just doesn’t sit right.
‘You Can’t Negotiate With Crazy’
Todd Whitaker wrote an entire book about not getting sucked in by perpetual victims. Shifting the Monkey cleverly illustrates how to navigate the difficult person, the negative Nelly, and most importantly, the victim mindset. It seems sensible to lean back against a victim's strong stance as if to repel their insanity. Remember: You can’t negotiate with crazy.
Also, everyone is watching the leader. If you get sucked in, the monkey is on your back, just where the victim wants it. They point and exclaim, ‘See!’
So how do you approach the victim? Go against your instinct to fight…
Stay Objective
Many people will say to you, “I wouldn’t let them leave early in an emergency, or give them the same allowances as others.”
Don’t listen. That’s emotion. You feel that way, and that’s okay, but don’t act on it. Be even-handed, fair, and balanced. When they try to trounce you at Human Resources or to the superintendent (and believe me, they will try), everyone will note your objectivity and patience, and see them for the problem they are.
In another instance, I was tasked with addressing attendance concerns for those staff with too many days absent. I received an antagonistic response from one staff member who submitted a detailed and notably challenging email. Rather than approaching the concerns collaboratively, their tone was defensive and questioned administrative intent, raising concerns about her professional responsiveness.
This all sounds so strange to effective educators who are driven by a conscience. And that’s the tricky part–victims have so cleverly shifted blame in their own minds that it’s easy to dismiss legitimate concerns as being picked on or some other absurd claim. They have hijacked perception to suit their narrative, fictional as it is. Don’t feed into the negativity!
Never Argue
Arguing with these kinds of folks is like mud wrestling a pig in that you both get dirty but only the pig enjoys it. A victim has so much more practice at arguing, their goal is to pull you into their conflict. Your objectivity keeps you from letting them win. The moment you argue, the victim is victorious.
As leaders, we are tasked with giving directives. Always remember that this is entirely different than being lulled into an argument. Your directives are fair, balanced, even-handed. Stay the course, stay objective, and you will always be able to take the higher ground when a union representative shows up or your boss calls. Don’t get dirty, and you can sustain your goals with the rest of your staff.
Kill Them With Kindness
Victims are experts at breaking down other people, so we turn on our own instincts. That level of deception is uncanny. You have to give them credit.
Yet, understanding this psychology is pivotal in redirecting with sincere goodwill. Difficult people are so good at shifting the gears of others into exasperated frustration and reaction that they have no idea how to handle the tenderness that comes from persistent kindness.
What makes this more significant is that you are modeling your expectation of their behavior, and can safely provide a benchmark with authority. That’s power shifting!
Ultimately, this approach can help ensure that students will not be overpowered by negative, victim mindsets, and instead will be encouraged by your fair and balanced–and positive–approach.
